Smart, Not Pretty

Raise your hand if you like bathing suit shopping. Anyone? Aw shut it Gisele, put your hand down.*Anyone NOT a super model? Alrighty then.

Look, I realize that bathing suit shopping is torture for almost everyone. But when you have triple D's and an ass you can rest drinks on, it becomes a bit more problematic. Personally, I'd like to go back to old-timey bathing costumes. Who doesn't look good in dark blue serge? Add in a cute little ruffled hat and I'd be all set. Sadly, they don't make them anymore. Trust me, I've checked.

What they do make for ladies who lunched on sugar and carbs are bathing suits of such a hideous nature that they could only have been designed by the blind. When you are roughly the size and shape of a couch, surely you don't need to wear clothing that looks like upholstery? I live in Jersey, the land of leopard print, but does it have to be on everything? There is also a ratio of cup size to sparkles that I have yet to understand. So far, it seems like the bigger the boob, the bigger the bling. This means that if I were to buy a bedazzled suit, I'd probably cause temporary blindness if looked at in direct sunlight.

I found all this out during my recent foray bathing suit shopping. While many people recommended Land's End (and their generous free shipping policy), they only makes "soft cup" suits. I need underwire and rigging and possibly even miniature cranes. Land's End is out. Instead, I hit the mall. I wandered through store after store fingering triangles of fabric that would barely cover my areola. I found bottoms that were so small, they should have been sold as dental floss. Finally, broken and dispirited, I wandered into the plus-sized clothing store. Why had I avoided it for so long when I am obviously their target demographic? Two reasons: they have pretend sizing and they appear to charge by the (cheap) yard. If I am going to pay a thigh and wing for an outfit, I at least want to recognize the material. But, when it came to bathing suits, this store was actually fairly restrained. Not only did some come in basic black, but they had built-in bras. While it may have been a win, buying those awful things still felt like a loss. I came home pissed off, depressed, and just plain mean.

This is when Jennifer Weiner stepped in and saved the day and reminded me of one very simple phrase I tell my daughter all the time, which is, "It is better to be smart than pretty."

That night, while I was sitting on the couch brooding, hating myself and my body, I decided to check Twitter. (I have an account mostly so I can follow people.) There, my beloved Weiner was holding a contest to see who could post a picture that included her books but referenced The Bachelorette. I quickly set up a tableau wherein my entire collection of Weiner novels were surrounding a mini-guillotine/bagel slicer where a copy of Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections was placed, ready for death. I titled this piece, "What happens after the rose ceremony." Within minutes, I had a direct message from the author, telling me that she loved my joke and was sending me a free galley copy of her yet-to-be published new novel.

This happy moment, when I won a free book from a great author based entirely on my sense of humor (and knowledge of her cantankerous history with Franzen) pulled me out of my black mood and taught me a very valuable lesson. Over Twitter, she couldn't tell that I was fat. She could only tell that I was funny. Judging by beauty alone, I may have become the person you refer to as, "she has a great personality" or "she makes me laugh" but really, is that such a bad thing? I have told my daughter that it is better to be smart than pretty so many times she can recite it on cue. Well, not to too my own intellectual horn (because based on my SAT scores, I'm not even half as bright as my husband) I am at least smart enough to be funny.

I'll take that as a win.

* Joke lifted directly from my eldest sister-in-law.

50 Shades of WTF?

WARNING: This blog post is NC-17. Explicit sexual language WILL be used. It is also wicked long.

WARNING: Here there be spoilers.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was getting the world to believe he didn't exist. - Keyser Soze

The greatest trick EL James ever pulled was convincing the audience that this book had anything to do with Twilight. It doesn't. Pricks with dicks are a dime a dozen. The fact that he is rich and young and she is dumb and pretty makes this a Harlequin Romance. She is the eternal damsel in distress, he is always the errant knight available to rescue her. Add in the sex and it is just a rated X Disney movie. But take out the werewolves, and the vampires, and the Volturi and it's just bad porn.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are the 50 Things Wrong With the Fifty Shades Trilogy

Fifty Shades of Grey

1. Our heroine actually looks into a mirror as a descriptive device. That is the "its a dark and stormy night" of characterization.
2. Why couldn't Kate/Rosalie just have called and done the interview over the phone?
3. Why did Kate spend months trying to get the interview and, based on the questions, mere minutes actually preparing for it?
4. "Smart" as a adjective to describe being neat and tidy once is fine. But repeatedly? Not so fine.
5. If you ever find a man with gray eyes, kill him with fire. No human being on this earth has eyes that color. (Same with yellow eyes - and why does no one ever notice that Edward and his entire adopted family all have the same unnatural eye color?)
6. Ana has huge problems accepting any gifts from Christian, but she seems to live off the kindness of her roommate - rent, clothes, laptop, etc.
7. José= Jacob. Only without any sort of interesting back story at all.
8. "No one has ever held my hand." Look, there is a line between innocence and stunted emotional growth. We have left it far behind in the dust with that particular sentence.
9. Twinings English Breakfast Tea is Ana's favorite. Honestly, can she be more bland?
10. Anyone who can drink five margaritas, champagne, and beer is not a lightweight. Especially if it is her first time getting drunk. At 21. After four years of college.
11. Elliot = Emmett
12. She has never been kissed? At 21? She has never masturbated either? Or had sex? Or knew that she should shave her armpits and legs before a date? Throw in the lack of hand-holding and drinking and now we've passed emotionally stunted and gone head first into emotionally damaged.
13. Our first appearance of the phrase "fucks hard" occurs in Chapter Six. This will repeat roughly one million times throughout the rest of the book. It is never rough, or dirty, or rushed, or fast, or any other word. It's just hard.
14. So after making her sign a non-disclosure agreement, then showing her a roomful of elaborate sex toys, then showing her his dominant/submissive contract, he's just going to screw her the old-fashioned way? Huh?
15. No naughty words are ever used to describe naughty bits. It's always his erection, never his hard cock or dick. It's her breasts, never her tits. The is the most formal porn ever. She has a clitoris, not a clit, and never a cunt or a pussy. In fact, her fave phrase for her vagina is to call it "there." It's supposed to be erotic, not ridiculous.
16. So, our 21 yr old virgin reaches orgasm for the first time in her life and her response? "Oh my." That, my friends, is bad writing. As is this example of being overcome by his stunning beauty,"Jeez, he looks so freaking hot. Holy cow, I cannot move my arms."
17. Then, upon seeing his hard-on, she is completely confused as to how it will fit inside of her. Didn't she ever take sex ed? Have none of her friends had sex and discussed it within her hearing?
18. Within the first sex scene, we set up the pattern for all the rest. Play with nipples, insert finger in vagina, rub G-spot, tells her he is about to fuck her hard, open foil packet, she feels full of him, they screw, he tells her to come, everyone orgasms. It's not very imaginative.
19. When our heroine actually tells the hero that she isn't interested in pursuing a relationship, instead of walking away, as he had promised, he shows up in her bedroom. Later, she later leaves for a five-day vacation and he shows up within two. This is not romance. This is stalking.
20. Why are the college graduates looking for internships and not jobs?
21. Midway through the first book, we stop pretending to rip off Twilight and start actually ripping off the e-mail exchange scenes from Bridget Jones Diary instead.
22. When she finally tells him to spank her, as she has been well aware he has wanted to do from the beginning of their relationship, she proceeds to freak out completely and dump him. I repeat, for asking him to do what he expressly (visually and in writing) said he wanted to do from the first moment they met. Sigh.
23. FIFTY SHADES DARKER: At a restaurant, he orders dinner for them both and she is appalled. "Jeez, don't I get a choice." Um, no, you dumb shit, you don't get a choice. He's a DOMINANT. You are his SUBMISSIVE. This isn't fucking rocket science.
24. He makes a comment about never leaving - she replies by asking if he wants her to move in. When he says yes, she freaks. Um, why did you ask the question if you didn't want to hear the answer?
25. Don't e-mail him all day then complain that he is suffocating you by returning the e-mails. God, I'd like to beat her with a ruler and I don't even swing that way.
26. Jack Hyde is really the name of the evil boss. Obviously. (The better to show Christian as Jekyll).
27. Hyde might as well twirl a black mustachio in all of his scenes. He's a straw villain, not a real one.
28. Her first week of work, she shows up 15 minutes late and spends all day either e-mailing or calling her boyfriend -but has the gall to wonder why her boss is upset with her!
29. The boss waits mere days to sexually harass and physically assault his new assistant. How does this guy still have a job?
30. Oh good, now that the evil boss has been fired, our heroine can move into his position, take his corner office and his assistant - after a mere two weeks. Wow, this really is fiction.
31. Kinky fuckery is a good phrase for describing BDSM, but it isn't the only one. Can someone please get this author a thesaurus? Also, there is nothing so kinky in this book that you couldn't find displayed at a in-home sex toy party.
32. So, immediately after someone has broken into your home (and was not caught), you wake up and see someone at the foot of your bed. Do you (a) think it is just a dream and wander around like an idiot or (b) alert someone immediately? What do YOU think our heroine did?
33. I understand Christian is controlling, but does he have to summon her, lead her places, and tell her what to do by saying, "Come" all the time She's a person, not a dog. Of course, considering how many times he reminds her that "You. Are. Mine" she might as well be on a leash.
34. Chekov's gun appears - and it is actually a gun. Honestly. Shoot me now.
35. His staff has a wide range of duties - shop for women's underwear, chauffer women around, set up elaborate proposals, and completely miss the stranger sitting in a car in the front yard.
36. He proposes after only knowing her a month and the only worry she has is if they are compatible sexually? All they've done is have sex. If I were her, I'd worry more about living with a controlling egomaniac with jealousy issues.
37. FIFTY SHADES FREED: I have been purposing ignoring Ana's inner goddess. Instead of describing what Ana thinks or feels, the author instead uses a Greek chorus to tell us. It's sloppy writing and makes Ana seem like she has multiple personality disorder.
38. I would like to work for a company with her vacation policy. She's been there fewer than three months and still got a three-week vacation?
39. He gives her hickeys on her breasts so she won't be tempted to sunbathe topless for a second time. He believes this is acceptable behavior and is not upset by it. Later, when she willingly allows him to tie her up (and this leaves a mark), he is contrite to the point of ridiculousness. The lesson learned here is that if he does it on purpose, its fine, but when he does it by accident, then it's not fine. Um, WHAT?
40. Ana read five books on her three week honeymoon. Five whole books in three weeks. On this fact alone, she is given a publishing house to run. On my two-week honeymoon, I needed a separate piece of luggage for all of my books. I assure you, I read way more than five - and still had plenty of time to bang like a screen door in a hurricane.
41. She spends all of her time worrying if what she says or does is going to make him mad. That isn't a relationship built on love; that is built on fear.
42. Case in point - she doesn't mention that she is going to keep her maiden name at work and since IT didn't immediately change it within hours of her returning to work, he shows up at her office to bully her into changing it professionally. And then she does. Oh, I foresee a long and healthy marriage here, don't you?
43. Our very married heroine actually threatens to fire a woman who dared to flirt with her husband. Trust issues much?
44. Why wouldn't the self-confessed control freak who is also exceptionally sexually active make certain that his wife remain on schedule with her Depo-Provera shots? He controls almost everything else about her but leaves that up to chance?
45. Worst. Security. Team. Ever. Two break-ins, one kidnapping, and getting the slip (twice) from the person they were supposed to be protecting.
46. As a medical point of reference, if you have a catheter in, then you don't feel the need to pee because your body is already handling that particular problem. Really, if you can't get the little things right, why should I believe you when you try to write bigger stories?
47. So the evil boss made his assistants have rough sex with him, taped the assaults, then used those tapes as blackmail against the assistants. Haven't any of them ever seen Law & Order? You blackmail the guilty, not the innocent!
48. If I never have to read the phrase, "Jeez!" again, it will be too soon. 
49. Both of these people are black holes of need. They deserve each other.
50. Theodore Raymond Grey is a much better name than fucking Renesmee.