To be clear, a man dressed in long flowing robes mutters an
incantation in a foreign language while waving his hands in a specific way,
thus transmogrifying one object into another. Yet, we happily burned witches
back in the day. It really does baffle the mind.
Anyway, as always, I am not a good Catholic. But as I
recently told a friend, I am as much Catholic as I am Caucasian. It's a part of
who I am and I cannot change it. I can mock it, yes, but I do so in the form of
trying to understand it.
Which brings me to the pope. I am fascinated by the idea of
conclave. Locking a bunch of important people in a room together and not
letting them out until they have reached a decision is brilliant. Imagine how
quickly Congress would work if they couldn't all fly home every weekend? I love
that they send the important information of whether a pope has been chose via
smoke signal. It is so deliciously old school. I also like the thought of
little old men fussing around a fireplace, trying to get it to light.
The white smoke signal was released when my daughter was
still in school. She came tearing out, yelling that we had to get home right
away to see who was the new pope. Similar scenes were being enacted all over
the schoolyard. It seems the kids had been watching the news indoors and
couldn't wait to see what happened next. I put her in front of CNN, then I
folded clothes in front of BBC News, a channel I have found chatters less but
imparts more information. Lo and behold, our new pope was announced. In the
rush and clamor to give us a description of the man who is one step removed
from Christ himself, the best they could give us was that he was a humble man.
Humble? HUMBLE? What does that mean, exactly? At it turns
out, humble means that he actually pays his own bills. He carries his own
luggage. He prefers to ride public buses rather than private cars. He likes to kiss
babies and mingle. He stood for his first holy (televised) blessing in a basic
white robe instead of sitting in a throne, bejeweled and bedecked in sparkling
diamonds.
Basically, to paraphrase Wil Wheaton, he's not a dick.
This, apparently, is his crowning achievement. I've read
several stories about him in the past week and have learned little to nothing
more about him. He's from Argentina. He is a Jesuit. I could get more
information off of LinkedIn than I am getting from Time magazine. All everyone can talk about is the fact that he
prefers an open-aired Jeep to the Pope-Mobile (seriously, who wouldn't) and
keeps asking people to pray for him instead of the other way around. Why this
tickles peoples fancies is beyond me. Hello! There is God, then there is the
Pope. In terms of the business of Catholic INC., he's the CEO to God's Chairman
of the Board. Why is HE asking for prayers? There is no on earth with a more
direct pipeline to God. In fact, the phrase, from your mouth to God's ears is
technically true when discussing Pope Francis. One good prayer from him should
make you solid with the Lord for the rest of your earthly life, whereas a
million prayers from the great unwashed are really nothing more than a general din,
like a chant in the background of a football game. P-O-P-E Pope!
Is this how far the Catholic church has fallen? We break our
arms patting ourselves on the back because the new pope isn't a dick? Years ago,
while enjoying a nice relaxing lunch on Boston Common, I was approached by a
bible thumper who asked me if I had taken Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior.
I replied yes, I'm Catholic, then went back to my book. His next question was
if I was a good Christian. I thought that was covered by me being Catholic, said
as much, and though he seemed confused, he did move away to bother someone
else. I realized later than being a good Christian is not seen as being a good
Catholic. Being a good Christian means being, in general, a good person. When
someone says, that was a Christian thing to do, they mean that it was generous,
kind, and thoughtful. Being a good Catholic, on the other hand, is a whole
different ballgame and means that you deny homosexuality and women's rights and
look the other way when priests diddle little boys. I spend a lot of time
defending my faith instead of extolling it.
So, is the pope Catholic? I'm sure he is. The better
question is, do we want him to be?
