We all know that I cannot stand the Twilight series or the 50
Shades series. When new books in both series were released, I obviously
wanted to read them so I can make fun of them. Of course I wasn’t going to pay
for that privilege though. I haven’t paid for any of the other books, why would
I pay for these? Well, you all think you have the best friends, but I clearly
do because one of them sent me the newest Twilight
book called Life And Death: Twilight
Reimagined. The author performed a gender swap. Bella is now Beau and
Edward is now Edythe. Based on the terrible names alone, I was practically
frothing at the bit to see how bad this was going to get.
Is it a good book? Nope. But is it better than the original.
Absolutely. Though that’s still damning it with faint praise which, let’s be
real, it all it deserves. All of the genders have been swapped except for the
protagonist’s parents. Apparently, letting a man get full custody in the ‘80s
was too absurd for the author to allow – in a book about vampires. I’m not even
being snarky here – the author herself confirms this in the prologue! Why the
AARP-aged vamps continue to go to high school when home school, college, or
none of the above is an option is still not touched upon. I have heard multiple
celebrities say that whatever age they become famous is the mental age they
stay at forever, so I guess the same goes for vampires? It’s the only reason I
can think of for why an 80-year old would want to hang out with a teenager.
The gender swap turns out to be interesting. Beau is much
less a damsel in distress and much more a guy who makes choices. He doesn’t hem
and haw and cry and bitch and moan about them either. He just makes them. He
has actual conversation with Edythe (just typing that ridiculous spelling makes
me giggle), seems to have an actual personality, and is pretty much a
fully-fleshed out character. Plus, he never cries! I hate to admit it, but he’s
actually likable! Edythe, on the other hand, is the typical Manic Pixie Dream
Girl. She exists more as a plot devise than a person.
The rest of the gender swap is silly and the names are flat-out
painful. They don’t serve a purpose, they don’t add to the story and in fact,
they take away from it significantly because the change is so in your face (and
the names are so very stupid) that it keeps pulling you out of the story.
Jessamine sounds like a sugar substitute, not a vampire.
Let’s get to the nuts and bolts though, shall we? It takes
199 pages for a teenage boy to notice Edythe’s breasts. He never once mentions
getting a hard on or being horny. He loves her in the purest way possible and
it is ridiculous. Although he actually asks her about sex and they discuss it,
it is very roundabout and he seems perfectly happy just getting to hold her
hand. However, the scenes of them discussing how slowly they have to go
physically are interesting because it stops being about him controlling her (as
in the original) but more of the two of them understanding that they don’t want
to hurt each other. It is more a mutual (if unrealistic) decision, than a
command.
If you are a fan of the originals, I say read it. The author
does make some interesting changes. I wonder, though, if this reimagining came
out first, if the series would have been such a big deal, or if it would have
been slightly popular, but not necessarily a phenomenom.
WARNING: HERE THERE
BE SPOILERS. STOP NOW.
IF YOU HAVE ANY
INTENTION OF READING THIS BOOK – PLEASE STOP NOW!
SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!
GO BACK! GO BACK!
LAST
WARNING!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!
SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT
TO KEEP READING?
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
So, the book ends very differently.
Beau dies. And it is glorious. God, I hated how Edward was
such a wet blanket about turning Bella into a vampire. Sure, his life is
miserable, but he’s a sparkly vegetarian vampire who has never had sex and has
been going to high school on a repeat loop for almost 100 years. That would
suck for anyone! I also hated how Alice and her visions were handled as she was
able to see whatever served the plot best. She flat out tells Edward that Bella
will be a vamp someday, and he’s still like, but not today! Today I will just
allow her to suffer these incredibly injuries, continue to piss and moan about
our lack of life together, and then eventually dump her – all because I love
her so much. Then we as readers have to suffer through three more books that
make less and less sense until she finally, finally, finally becomes a damn
vampire.
In this version, it is much clearer. The bad vamp bites
Beau, the Cullen family rush in to save him, they realize he has been bitten
and Arche/Alice makes it very clear – either Beau dies as a human or he dies
and becomes a vampire. Edythe bites him. Yes, he still transitions easily, but
has to deal with the fact that he will never see his parents and friends again.
His funeral is devastating to his family and friends – as it should be. Bella
cheated. She never lost anything. She got to live happily ever after with both
parents. This version makes more sense. Plus, it completely rules out the
ridiculous vampire/human baby, all the nonsense about imprinting, most of the
werewolf stuff, and pretty much the next three books entirely. It is a much
tighter, much more fitting ending. As I heartily approve of anything that stops
more books in this series from being published, I am all in favor of this new
ending.
