Once again, the Mega Millions is up to the absurd
amount of half a billion dollars. This is an amount of money no one on earth
actually needs unless they are single-handedly funding a space program or
buying a small island country badly in need of infrastructure.
Asking people what they would do if they won such a
large sum is one of my favorite questions. I actually did a Facebook poll once
and someone answered, "Stonehenge." Here I thought I was being
frivolous buying a Burberry purse, but no, he was going to buy one of the wonders
of the world. He won.
After thinking it over obsessively for several years (whenever
a big jackpot is up for grabs), this is what I think you should do if you win.
For starters, buy the ticket in one of those tiny
corner stores that still exist in this country. They get a monetary prize for
selling the ticket and I’d much rather see that money go to some hard-working
individual just trying to run a business than a billion-dollar corporation that
sells bucket-sized beverages. The other bonus of a mom and pop joint is that
they don’t tend to have security cameras. The computer system that spits out
the tickets knows the exact date, time, and location that ticket was sold.
Match that to security footage and suddenly, grainy photos of your clueless mug
are being circulated on YouTube before you even had time to check your numbers.
It hasn’t happened yet, but it will.
Next, call a lawyer and a financial planner. I'm lucky
enough to know a few of each, and my hope is that since we are personal friends
first, and my windfall, through fees, would become their windfall, that honesty
would prevail. The signed ticket itself would have already gone into a secure
safety deposit box in a random bank in a random town. Once you get all the
legal details squared away, then wait. Every lottery system allows for a
certain number of days to pass before you legally have to claim your winnings.
Wait until the last Friday afternoon of that period of time. Much like
celebrities announcing their divorces, the goal would be to bury the news story
amid the mid-afternoon haze of weekend travel updates and weather reports.
Then, decide how you will take the payout. I would
prefer to take the long-term installment plan to both get more money and to
avoid any possibility of spending it all at once. I realize that many prefer
the big buy-out, theorizing that they could manage their own money better, but
if they were such adept money managers, they wouldn't need to win the jackpot in
the first place. As time and history has proven over and over again, money does
not buy class, taste, or intelligence. I like the idea of a big fat check
getting deposited into my account on a yearly basis. It is an excellent life
insurance policy as winnings do not automatically go to next of kin and my kids
would need me alive to keep the money coming. Either way, I would wind up with
more money than God, and really, what does he even need to buy? Even a yearly
payment would allow for Scrooge McDuck-style shenanigans (though why anyone
would want to roll around naked in something as dirty as money is a mystery.)
Then what? I say reboot and reset. Pay off all your
debts. House, car, loans, school, bookies, etc. I have heard that it is better
to keep your mortgage as a tax write-off, but that seems like a lot more work
and allows for banks to collect a shit ton of interest, so I’ll skip that and
just own my property outright.
Oh, and let me be clear. All of this must be done in
absolutely secrecy. Don’t post it, tweet it, or breathe a word about it to
anyone excluding the people who will help you make the financial decisions.
Telling even one person will be the equivalent of just having a few friends
over when your parents are away. Suddenly, you are in the midst of a raging
kegger except instead of reaching for a beer, people will be reaching for your
Benjamins. Lottery winnings are found money. You don’t earn a winning ticket,
which means everyone and their step brother’s half-sister’s cousin
twice-removed on your grandfather’s side will expect a piece of the pie. This
isn’t a credit card commercial. Every friend, casual acquaintance, one-night
stand, and barista at your local coffee shop doesn’t need to know what’s in
your wallet. The free mug or t-shirt you get from being a guest on the morning
news programs or afternoon talk shows will cost you millions in lawyer fees as
you suddenly make yourself a target for every con man in the country. Is
meeting a B-list celebrity in the green room really worth it? Doubtful. This
may be the biggest, most important secret of your life. Keep it!
If you have to go public, do it strategically. Once
again, timing is key. Wait as long as humanly possible. Provide as little
information as allowed by law. You don’t want bells, whistles, or giant checks
that don’t even fit through the door. You don’t need an agent or a manager or
head shots. You need to keep your head down and your mouth shut.
Once you are in possession of more money you will ever
need, sit on it. BUY NOTHING. Say your car dies. Buy the Mitsubishi instead of
the Maybach. Short on bathrooms and storage space? Buy the bigger house, avoid
the biggest mansion. Take small baby steps in spending so that, God forbid, if
you are like 70 percent of lottery winners and blow through all your money in a
few years, at least you’ll have the basic building blocks of your life still
firmly in place.
You don’t need to rent out Disneyworld. Really. You
don’t. Sure, spend the money on first-class airfare, the best hotel, book the
tour guide that gets you to the front of all the lines, eat in the best
restaurants, and buy all the souvenirs. This is true for any vacation; turn the
dial to eleven, but don’t change the channel. I have always wanted to stay in
one of those small, high-end, super classy hotels that go for thousands per
night and have the best rooms, views, and amenities. However, I’m not high end
or super classy and all the money in the world isn’t going to make me so. This
is why I advise living the best version of your own life, and skip trying to
live the life of someone who looks like you, but has a bigger bank account. I
just want to up my threat count, not wake up in someone else’s bed.
Finally, after a year, when you have taken plenty of
time to really think about what you want out of your life, start spending the
money. Wisely. Slowly. If you can’t say no to friends and family over something
as simple as who will host a holiday, then hire a group of trusted advisors,
create a board of directors, and let them sort through the long line of
charities, entrepreneurs, and charlatans looking for a benefactor, angel
investor, and sucker. You were just given the opportunity to change your life
and those around you – don’t ruin it. I’m not saying don’t enjoy your money,
but I am saying that don’t lose your mind doing so.
In short, buy the purse. Just tell everyone it’s a
knock-off. And if you do find yourself in possession of one of wonders of the
world, don’t brag about it on Facebook. You’ll just look like an asshole.
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