Monday, March 12, 2018

Never Judge a Book by its Movie


I know movie adaptations are awful. I know that you cannot take hundreds of pages of innermost thoughts and feelings and melt all that down into two hours of visual information. I know all of this. But what I don’t know is how you can take a multimillion dollar special effects laden extravaganza based on a classic science fiction book such as A Wrinkle in Time and just throw up all over it. Why bother using the source material if you are going to dumb it down to the masses in such a way as to render the entire point of the book absolutely meaningless? Oh, I’m angry. I’m so fucking angry.



First off, let’s talk casting. Instead of three old biddies in New England, they subbed in three multi-ethnic drag queens of various ages. Fun! Instead of an all white family, its racially diverse, which opened the story to a wider audience. Great! But can someone please for the love of God and all his angels explain to me why you can make the cast the color of the rainbow, but you can’t make Calvin’s hair red? SERIOUSLY. My love of redheads started with that book. Calvin was my first crush and his vivid red hair was definitely part of my imagination. Would it have been so hard to find a bottle of Manic Panic? Oprah had metallic eyebrows for fuck’s sake. Reese Witherspoon turned into a flying artichoke. But Calvin couldn’t have red hair? That’s bullshit.

Second, when even my kids notice how bad the directing was, you know you have made some poor choices. The entire movie is a series of close ups and extreme close ups. I can draw, from memory, the exact dimensions of Storm Reid’s nose. There were big CGI shots of alien planets, but no sense of scope. Ava Devernay was hyper focused on the spectacle but didn't know how to focus on what made the book special. 

Third, the screenwriters obviously didn’t know what to do with the story as it was told in the book. They took out entire chapters worth of story only to add in empty set pieces. For me, the book was always about Meg realizing that she has to love herself and her faults, that she can’t rely on others for her happiness, and that strength comes from within. The movie was about being a warrior of light. What does that mean? Damned if I know. But it sounds good in commercials.  



Fourth, the had the worst villain name in the history of cinema. The IT. Say it out loud. The big bad in the book is simply IT. My best guess is that the evil clown is so well known that the screenwriter felt that calling the darkness that takes over the world IT would invoke King instead of L’Engle. Fine, I will grudgingly accept that. What I will not accept is “The IT.” Call it The Darkness. Call it The Happiest Sadist (a description in the book I didn’t understand for years.) Call it Camazots after the planet where the final third of the story takes place. But don’t call it “The IT.” That just sounds stupid.



Fifth, the average movie goer is smarter than a pumpkin. Not all of them, but most. So I would really like if the movie treated the viewers as if we had half a brain. The book has chemistry, physics, higher mathematics, and Shakespeare. The movie has a giant action adventure set piece that defied all laws of logic, physics, gravity, tone, character, and plot. Given a choice between a scene of dialogue and (gasp) acting, the director chose overworked CGI every time. The movie also never bothers to explain a tesseract. It is only the central McGuffin and the freaking title of the movie.  I would have happily skipped almost all of Oprah's self-help guru nonsense word salad for a cogent explanation of a tesseract. (This is even more egregious because there was a shot of this scene in the previews!)



Sixth, the Exposition Fairy called and she wants her wings back. Kids can’t remember what day they have gym on a four-day rotating schedule, but they can remember something that happened to another kid FOUR years ago and commemorate it with a nasty note? Also, whomever had a six-year old listening to news radio in the middle of the night while it randomly discussed a non-celebrity scientist going missing certainly deserves a Razzie for exposition so clunky it clanged. We don’t need THREE back-to-back scenes telling us that Meg’s dad is missing. We ARE NOT PUMPKINS. We have brain cells, not seeds. Allows us to use them!



Seventh, the quotations. One character in the book speaks only in quotations. In the movie, she does and doesn’t depending on the needs of the script and a very lazy screenwriter. For a few months, I amused myself on Facebook by using Hamilton lyrics for every update and I could always find a line that fit. So it pissed me off that when they did quote Lin-Manuel Miranda, they used the weakest quote in his arsenal. There are billions of lines of poetry and literature and plays and quotations in the world. And the screenwriter switched Goethe for Chris Tucker???  Jesus wept.

Eighth, speaking of Jesus, where did all the religious Christian allegory go? Oh right, we can pray to God (to win a football game), we can thank God (for winning the football game), but we can’t incorporate God into a movie unless it stars Kirk Cameron. Got it, my bad.

Ninth, the problem with Calvin. Not only did they take away his red hair, they took away his balls. Calvin isn’t set decoration. He isn’t ornamental. He is integral to the plot. He is the one who explains, who communicates, who listens. He’s the Giles of this particular band of Scoobies. The Mrs don’t give all the gifts to Meg. That’s dumb. They had one for each child. And his gift helps save Mr. Murry. He almost saves Charles Wallace! He doesn’t just stand in the background and nod at people – he does stuff! And if they couldn’t figure out what to do with him, then he should have shared the same fate as Sandy and Dennys. 
And finally, we clearly have a winner in the Battle of the Actors Named Chris. Did anyone go through space and time looking for Hemsworth? Thor disappeared from Earth and no one noticed. Pratt? We put him on a starship to nowhere and let him die on it. Evans? Nope. He isn’t even the hottest Chris in the Marvel universe. Chris Pine is the only Chris that people will literally do anything for in every single movie. All Hail King Chris.  

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Rest of the Best


I watched the final five candidates for Best Picture yesterday. As always, if you want an actual review, ask a movie critic.



Dunkirk ­– One day, someone will explain to me the absolute manic devotion of white males of a certain age to WWII. The war ended 74 years ago! There have been lots of wars since then (unfortunately) and lots of other stories to tell about lots of other things. But every goddamn year, we get another goddamned WWII movie. Enough. Considering how little dialogue was actually in the movie and how little plot, I wish Nolan had fully committed to his theory of making a movie based entirely on visuals and music and eliminated dialogue entirely or had subtitles. I also think he and Tom Hardy should just fuck already because Nolan obviously has a hard on for Hardy’s eyes. Why else does he once again make a movie that all but covers up Tom Hardy’s face and filters his voice.



The Darkest Hour – Gary Oldman only did this movie because he lured famed makeup artist Kazuhiro  Tsuji out of retirement. If Oldman wins, and Tsuji doesn’t, then Oldman should absolutely hand his Oscar over, post haste. It was absolutely the best makeup I have ever seen in film. Hands down. Oldman was completely unrecognizable as himself and totally and completely Winston Churchill. That was the whole point of the movie, really. They could have told any story from any point in Churchill’s career, and the only thing really holding it up was the makeup and acting. It certainly wasn’t the lighting. Apparently overhead lighting was outlawed during the war. Only small desk lamps or whatever light filtered in through windows. (Please don’t tell me about London turned off its lights at night to avoid bombing. This wasn’t that. This was “setting a mood” and it was ridiculous. )



Call Me By Your Name – This was the most honest acting I’ve ever seen. It was also as if the actors didn’t realize they were acting at all. I was constantly surprised by the line readings and by how they handled every scene. It was very intimate and disarming. Slightly problematic was the concept of consent and watching sex scenes between a supposed 17 yr old and a 27 year old, but I liked that the movie didn’t have a label. No one was gay or straight or bi. They were just who they were. I also think it did wonders for Italian tourism.



The Post – This was a perfectly respectable movie with perfectly respectable acting in a mediocre script. Spoiler, the Washington Post wins. And while I have watched movies with obvious outcomes before (Titanic, for example), there was no real sense of suspense. There was also some questionable dialect work. Was Tom Hanks supposed to be from Boston? Every few scenes, he’d remember to throw on an accent. This movie is a textbook account of white male Oscar voting. Meryl Streep? Check. Tom Hanks? Check. Steven Spielberg? Check. A plot that makes liberals look good and politicians look bad? Check.



Get Out – This movie did NOT fuck around. You know how in most movies, when the young blood ingenue starts getting scared, she doesn’t really try to kill her assailant, but mostly run from him? Not this movie. Chris was out for blood the minute he realized what was happening. But Jesus, his apartment was the most over decorated room I have ever seen. I met my husband when we were 24. His apartment had the bare minimum of cast-off furniture, no art, one massive television, and linens straight from Target. Every male apartment I have ever been in was about the same, plus or minus some crappy posters on the wall. Chris had beautifully framed art, a complete living room set, a complete bedroom set, and everything was color coordinated in pleasant hues of greys and blacks and blues. Bull. Shit. Also, who starts a transplant without having both the donor and the receiver in the room? A terrible surgeon, that’s who.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

The Envelope, Please . . . .


I love the movies. I don’t go as often as I’d like and honestly, the number of movies released per year v. the number I actually watch is depressing, but come Oscar season, I am all in.



For the last few years, I try to see all those movies nominated for best picture, and if possible, all the ones that cover the acting categories as well. I am not a member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Art and Sciences and nobody gives a shit who I think should win and why, but I still like being knowledgeable about my choices. I have been watching the Oscars since I was a child and will watch them until I am dead. I love them unreservedly.



This year, I once again embarked on my quest with Bubbles in tow. I see most of my movies with my partner-in-crime and we have very similar tastes. The best part is that we can see all the movies over two days! Two very long Saturdays, four or five movies per day! Its awesome. This past weekend was our first day and I was going to write a basic series of reviews, but then I realized that if you want a thoughtful, reserved review by a critic with a background in film, then I will direct you to the poorly-named Drew McWeeney over at Tracking-Board.com. His name may be awful, but his reviews are terrific. However, if you want to know the weird and odd things I thought about the movies, then bombs away.



Three things – First, I do not speak for Bubbles. The opinions expressed therein are my own. Second, I still have several movies to watch. Third, spoilers abound. SPOILERS ABOUND!



Movies I Stopped Watching:

Mudbound (best cinematography and best supporting actress) – I tried. I really did. I made it 45 minutes into the movie before I gave up. It was depressing, dark, and dismal and checked every box of things I dread in movies: overt racism, everyone in the South is dirty and sweaty, obvious plot “twists”, hateful characters, WW II, and the constant use of the n- word. I want to be more enlightened and enjoy the film as a film but the oppressive sense of dread in the first third meant the rest of the movie was only going to get so very much worse. Pass. (However, from what I saw, this movie was absolutely deserving of the cinematography award because the lighting told a story that dialogue could never convey.)

Roman J. Israel, Esq. – (best actor) ­– They should have just given Denzel the best actor Oscar last year and been done with it. I lasted 24 minutes before I turned this nonsense off. I couldn’t figure out the year, setting, plot, character motivation, or anything else in this ugly, flat movie.  

Random Movies in Random Categories:

The Big Sick (best original screenplay) – Cute, but the least romantic rom-com I’ve ever seen.

I, Tonya (best actress and best supporting actress)  – I expected light and airy, I got down and dirty. Allison Janney is so bad she’s good.

Blade Runner 2049 (best cinematography) – It’s pretty, but empty. Watch it on mute to get the visuals. You won’t miss the plot as it barely exists. Honestly, the best thing about this movie is Ryan Gosling’s coat.

Beauty and the Beast (best costuming) – Sure, the costumes were gorgeous – when they were first created for the original animated film. But rending something from 2D to 3D doesn’t do it for me in terms of calling it the “best of” anything.

Baby Driver (film editing) ­­­– The movie is dumb as hell, but it is well edited. I’ll give it that.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi (music – original score, sound editing, sound mixing, visual effects) – Does anyone even notice the music in Star Wars movies unless it is some version of the original pieces made new? Or the editing/mixing?

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol II (visual effects) – If you like visual effects that scream LOOK AT ME, then sure. But its all just so much green screened noise.

Kong: Skull Island (visual effects) – The punctuation in these movies is killing me. Anyway, I actually think the F/X here were much more organic than the other choices. Doesn’t make it a good movie though, not by a long shot.

Best Pictures:

The Phantom Thread – As soon as the heroine was seen gathering mushrooms, you knew what she was eventually going to do with them. While I admit that his agreeing to be poisoned came out of left field, I don’t really understand why he would agree. Yes, he loved her more when he needed her caregiving, but how many times were they going to cycle through sick/well/happy/unhappy before they both tired of the game? I also would have preferred more scenes with Woocock’s sister (Jesus, what a name!). Her internal monologues were probably fierce.

Lady Bird – Can I have an entire movie about gay Danny, please? Or the salty nun? Or the depressed priest? Can I have any movie other than the one I watched? I am all for women winning the best director award, but not this woman and not for this movie.

Three Billboards – WTF! Ok, so I have a lot of problems with this movie. In what universe does a woman FIRE BOMB a police station and there is zero follow up? Yes, she was given an alibi by a bystander (and seriously, WHY would he do that since it is so obvious to everyone in the movie that she is the culprit?), but it isn’t a very good one and is very easily checked. In fact, during the entire movie, characters just keep getting away with the most insane stuff. Throw a guy out a window? No worries. Ok. Set fire to all the billboards? Sure! Its not like anyone does any actual investigation. A man stood in a burning building and didn't notice the heat! If that's the level of intelligence of the men in blue, then no wonder no one found her daughter’s killer – they couldn’t find their assholes with both hands and a mirror. (P.S. - Dear Hollywood, police stations don't close down at night like the post office. I live in Smalltown USA and even we have two cops on duty 24/7. Sincerely, The Real World.)  

The Shape of Water – Who fills a bathtub all the way to the very top? You are going to get water everywhere. Every scene, whether someone just got in or just got out, the damn bathtub was filled to the very top. Very cinematic, not very practical. Also, towels do not create airtight seals. You cannot flood a bathroom to the ceiling by stuffing a few towels into a wooden door. Again, very cinematic, but not very practical. My biggest problem though, was the one line of dialogue that completely and utterly telegraphed the ending. Can we at least try to be subtle about her scars? Nope. Its way better to shoehorn in an explanation that tells you everything you need to know. Ugh. Show, don’t tell!

I will try to post my reviews of the rest of the top contenders on Sunday before the show.