Live Blogging the Oscars

6:30: I abdicated all parenting responsibilities and plopped myself down on the couch for the Oscars. My phone is fully charged, my laptop is powered up, and I've been texting my best friend in California nonstop since preshow for the "gay Super Bowl" started. Off we go!

7:46: A preshow so boring my daughter actually voluntarily went to bed is not a good preshow. Where are the celebrities? And, for the celebs I've already seen, where are the colors? Where is their lipstick? Where did Ryan Seacrest go? Why did E! stop interviewing people and just keep shoving random people around a really big table? Why couldn't someone give Kristen Chenowith a box? She keeps shouting up at people and they keep leaning down to shout back and a basic apple box would have solved a lot of problems. The ABC preshow is quite honestly the worst I have ever seen, and I've been watching this since birth.

8:30: Seth McFarlane. Hate. What does the Kaleesi see in him? Every joke is telegraphed and obvious. He is the least charming man in existence.

8:35: Oh Captain, my captain. What on earth is William Shatner doing there?

8:40: A fully dressed Channing Tatum is a wasted opportunity.

8:50: Best Supporting Actor is Christoph Waltz. First upset of the night. DeNiro is going to get him wacked.

8:56: Both Melissa McCarthy and Paul Rudd have far too much hair going on and their bit is never ending.

8:58: Paperman was adorable. Finally, I've actually seen a winning Short Film!

9:00: Brave wins best animated feature and all I can wonder is, "what is he wearing under that kilt?"

9:05: Avengers Assemble! It's too bad they gathered five actors from the movie but couldn't be bothered to get them onto the screen at the same time. It's called a wide shot. Look into it.

9:11: I am completely appalled that they played off the winners of Best Visual Effects with the Jaws theme, making a joke of his speech. That wasn't right. That wasn't right at all.

9:16: Channing is back and he is still fully clothed.

9:20: Making actors look thin and dirty (Les Mis) won over turning grown men in hobbits. I don't agree.

9:26: My husband, on the Bond retrospective, "Are they ever going to let the woman actually nominated for the Bond theme sing it?" Me, "Apparently not." I think they gave Shirley Bassey a standing O just to make her stop singing.

9:33: I'm so glad Jamie Foxx has finally stopped singing every time he gets near a microphone.

9:42: Where are the audience reaction shots? A Gigli joke but no cut to Ben Affleck? If he isn't in his seat, then hold the joke until he is. The director choices regarding camera work are baffling.

9:49: Jennifer Garner's dress is a formal mullet. Plain in the front, all fluff and flowing butt flowers in the back.

9:52: The theater doesn't have room for a live orchestra? Yet another terrible production choice.

9:55: So this is just an ode to musicals from the last decade? Or just an ode to Chicago? A partial list of musicals in theaters since 2002 include Rock of Ages, Footloose, Rent, Pitch Perfect, Phantom of the Opera, Fame, Nine, Mama Mia, Sweeney Todd, Once, Walk the Line, and The Producers. Why aren't they represented? Plus, you already have Channing Tatum there - he couldn't do a bit from Step It Up? Finally, the sound quality for this musical performance is wonky. Too bad they didn't have a live orchestra or anything.

10:05: Boy, they fucked up that Les Mis song big time.

10:09: Who decided that when the new Star Trek actors took the stage, that they would used Star Trek: The Next Generation music instead of the class music from the original series? Music cue fail. Again. On the bright side, the Captain Kirk count is up to two.

10:11: My husband, when Marky Mark was forced to take the stage with a talking stuffed animal, "What did he do wrong?"

10:15: A tie? Really? The most intriguing moment of the awards and there is a fucking talking bear on stage. Everything wrong with tonight was just summed up by the above sentence.

10:23: Things you should know. I hate Anne Hathaway. Every interview she gives, she acts like she invented marriage, love, acting, and singing. The fact that she had to do two of those things at once at the same time is apparently the hardest thing anyone has ever done in the history of history. Can you believe it? Acting and singing - at the same time - about love? Inconceivable. I also wish she would put her nipples away.

10:32: Sandra Bullock needs a sandwich.

10:43: Nicole Kidman needs to lay off the Botox.

10:48: My husband and I debate whether Kristen Stewart is high or just unwashed.

10:58: Ode to Dead People - at least they finally edited out the sound of the audience clapping for their favorites, which always turns a touching tribute into a popularity contest from beyond the grave.

11:01: Is Barbra Streisand drinking the blood of virgins now? Between the weird super straight hair, the talons, and the Wiccan nightdress, she looked like one of the lost Witches of Eastwick.

11:08: The cast of Chicago? Again? Seriously, the movie is 10 years old. It is too young to be a classic or get rebooted. Let. It. Go. But I am really curious why Renee Zellweger seemed incapable of reading the cue cards.

11:27: I am not a fan of Quentin Tarantino. Intellectually, I understand that he has his own voice and makes relatively interesting movies. Emotionally, he seems like a egomaniacal prick who breaks his neck giving himself blowjobs.

11:41: Go Jennifer Lawrence for Best Actress! (Silver Linings Playbook is one of the best films I've seen in years.) Holy shit, she just fell down. Thank God for well-fitted dresses because it never moved an inch, but perhaps they could have hemmed it up a bit?

11:47: Daniel Day Lewis wins Best Actor and without seeing Lincoln, I'm willing to stipulate that he was excellent, but I really wanted Hugh Jackman. Obviously, DDL is not getting played off the stage to shark eating music.

11:51: Jack Nicholson got to present Best Movie and FLOTUS!  

11:55: Argo! Best joke of the night goes to Grant Henslov. It says a lot about George Clooney that Grant spoke first, knowing that the Academy would have cut him off if he were to have gone last. But good lord, Ben needs to give Jen Garner some jewelry for his acceptance speech. Oof. First he compares her to Iran, then he talks about how much WORK their marriage is, and you could actually hear the capital letters. However, only George Clooney is so cool that he doesn't even need to thank people for his Oscar.

Overall a shitty production. The director kept missing key audience reaction shots, the spotlights kept missing the actors, the musical cues were insulting, the pacing was off, the sound quality was awful, and well, the host sucked. McFarlane never seemed to go away because he closed every commercial break. I'll give him a laugh for the Von Trapp family joke, but that's it. After three and a half hours of wretchedness, he came out and sang yet another song. Argh. I hope the Khaleesi let her dragons eat him.

Big thanks to my BFF in California, my other half on the other side of town, and my husband, who was very thankful I had social media to keep me company while I watched the show so that he could read in peace and quiet.