The Envelope, Please . . . .

I love the movies. I don’t go as often as I’d like and honestly, the number of movies released per year v. the number I actually watch is depressing, but come Oscar season, I am all in.

For the last few years, I try to see all those movies nominated for best picture, and if possible, all the ones that cover the acting categories as well. I am not a member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Art and Sciences and nobody gives a shit who I think should win and why, but I still like being knowledgeable about my choices. I have been watching the Oscars since I was a child and will watch them until I am dead. I love them unreservedly.

This year, I once again embarked on my quest with Bubbles in tow. I see most of my movies with my partner-in-crime and we have very similar tastes. The best part is that we can see all the movies over two days! Two very long Saturdays, four or five movies per day! Its awesome. This past weekend was our first day and I was going to write a basic series of reviews, but then I realized that if you want a thoughtful, reserved review by a critic with a background in film, then I will direct you to the poorly-named Drew McWeeney over at Tracking-Board.com. His name may be awful, but his reviews are terrific. However, if you want to know the weird and odd things I thought about the movies, then bombs away.

Three things – First, I do not speak for Bubbles. The opinions expressed therein are my own. Second, I still have several movies to watch. Third, spoilers abound. SPOILERS ABOUND!

Movies I Stopped Watching:

Mudbound (best cinematography and best supporting actress) – I tried. I really did. I made it 45 minutes into the movie before I gave up. It was depressing, dark, and dismal and checked every box of things I dread in movies: overt racism, everyone in the South is dirty and sweaty, obvious plot “twists”, hateful characters, WW II, and the constant use of the n- word. I want to be more enlightened and enjoy the film as a film but the oppressive sense of dread in the first third meant the rest of the movie was only going to get so very much worse. Pass. (However, from what I saw, this movie was absolutely deserving of the cinematography award because the lighting told a story that dialogue could never convey.)

Roman J. Israel, Esq. – (best actor) ­– They should have just given Denzel the best actor Oscar last year and been done with it. I lasted 24 minutes before I turned this nonsense off. I couldn’t figure out the year, setting, plot, character motivation, or anything else in this ugly, flat movie.  

Random Movies in Random Categories:

The Big Sick (best original screenplay) – Cute, but the least romantic rom-com I’ve ever seen.

I, Tonya (best actress and best supporting actress)  – I expected light and airy, I got down and dirty. Allison Janney is so bad she’s good.

Blade Runner 2049 (best cinematography) – It’s pretty, but empty. Watch it on mute to get the visuals. You won’t miss the plot as it barely exists. Honestly, the best thing about this movie is Ryan Gosling’s coat.

Beauty and the Beast (best costuming) – Sure, the costumes were gorgeous – when they were first created for the original animated film. But rending something from 2D to 3D doesn’t do it for me in terms of calling it the “best of” anything.

Baby Driver (film editing) ­­­– The movie is dumb as hell, but it is well edited. I’ll give it that.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi (music – original score, sound editing, sound mixing, visual effects) – Does anyone even notice the music in Star Wars movies unless it is some version of the original pieces made new? Or the editing/mixing?

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol II (visual effects) – If you like visual effects that scream LOOK AT ME, then sure. But its all just so much green screened noise.

Kong: Skull Island (visual effects) – The punctuation in these movies is killing me. Anyway, I actually think the F/X here were much more organic than the other choices. Doesn’t make it a good movie though, not by a long shot.

Best Pictures:

The Phantom Thread – As soon as the heroine was seen gathering mushrooms, you knew what she was eventually going to do with them. While I admit that his agreeing to be poisoned came out of left field, I don’t really understand why he would agree. Yes, he loved her more when he needed her caregiving, but how many times were they going to cycle through sick/well/happy/unhappy before they both tired of the game? I also would have preferred more scenes with Woocock’s sister (Jesus, what a name!). Her internal monologues were probably fierce.

Lady Bird – Can I have an entire movie about gay Danny, please? Or the salty nun? Or the depressed priest? Can I have any movie other than the one I watched? I am all for women winning the best director award, but not this woman and not for this movie.

Three Billboards – WTF! Ok, so I have a lot of problems with this movie. In what universe does a woman FIRE BOMB a police station and there is zero follow up? Yes, she was given an alibi by a bystander (and seriously, WHY would he do that since it is so obvious to everyone in the movie that she is the culprit?), but it isn’t a very good one and is very easily checked. In fact, during the entire movie, characters just keep getting away with the most insane stuff. Throw a guy out a window? No worries. Ok. Set fire to all the billboards? Sure! Its not like anyone does any actual investigation. A man stood in a burning building and didn't notice the heat! If that's the level of intelligence of the men in blue, then no wonder no one found her daughter’s killer – they couldn’t find their assholes with both hands and a mirror. (P.S. - Dear Hollywood, police stations don't close down at night like the post office. I live in Smalltown USA and even we have two cops on duty 24/7. Sincerely, The Real World.)  

The Shape of Water – Who fills a bathtub all the way to the very top? You are going to get water everywhere. Every scene, whether someone just got in or just got out, the damn bathtub was filled to the very top. Very cinematic, not very practical. Also, towels do not create airtight seals. You cannot flood a bathroom to the ceiling by stuffing a few towels into a wooden door. Again, very cinematic, but not very practical. My biggest problem though, was the one line of dialogue that completely and utterly telegraphed the ending. Can we at least try to be subtle about her scars? Nope. Its way better to shoehorn in an explanation that tells you everything you need to know. Ugh. Show, don’t tell!

I will try to post my reviews of the rest of the top contenders on Sunday before the show.