Thursday, January 14, 2010

Bedazzling is the Devil’s Craft

Ok people, I want you to listen very closely. There is such a thing as over-sharing. There is such a thing as too much information. There is such a thing as telling very private things to a very public audience. While your job may be to promote yourself and your project on national television, you are allowed to keep some topics off limits. Your personal life can remain relatively private if you allow it. For example, unless you are Robert Pattinson and in constant need of a bath, your grooming habits do not need to be shared. I do not need to know if you go Brazilian, landing strip, or shave hearts into your nether regions. And I do not, under any circumstances, need to know that you bedazzle your bits. Yes, ladies and gentleman (I assume my poor husband is the only guy who reads this), there is such a thing.

Thank you, Jennifer Love Hewitt, for sharing this with the world. And it wasn’t even a result of a bet gone wrong (speaking of which, green is really not Kiefer’s color.) While promoting her book (!?!), J-Love told everyone about how she put Swarovski Crystals on her “precious lady” and “it shined like a disco ball.” Oh my ever loving God. Really? Did it need to? Does your significant other need a homing beacon? Does he need a light to read the map to your g-spot? Because honey, if he does, he isn’t that significant.

Let’s discuss the practical aspects of what she refers to as “vagazzling.” What, per say, do you use to get them to stick? I imagine a Brazilian is needed as the first step. Then what? Elmer’s? Are they self-adhering like pasties? Once you have them on, how do you get them off? A potty break would require a little bit of, shall we say, wear and tear? Even a thong would dim the glow, so to speak. Plus, I assume the point is for your special friend to check out the view. Wouldn’t want to dance to the disco beat by yourself, right? So, then friction enters the equation and now you’ve brought new meaning to putting Swarovski Crystals where the sun doesn’t shine.

Only a rich idiot would even have come up with using high-end crystals. If ghost whispering pays that much, surely, she can throw some money my way because honestly, I imagine the plastic jewels and sequins sold in bulk at any craft store would do the deed just as well. Her book (?!?) is just the start to her marketing this idiocy to a mass audience. I can picture it now – a line of Swarovski beavers that are filled with removable crystals – for his and her pleasure. Sold exclusively at Macy’s.


  1. Loved it! Do you ever check out I think she has the same type of sense of humor. Check out her "The Brazilian Bush of Jesus" article from yesterday!