Ah prom. The memories. The smell of Jagermeister, the tacky dress I wore, the boy who ignored me when I didn’t put out, and the long, endless train ride home 12 hours after curfew. What a night it was, filled with crappy music, an overpriced limo ride, and dozens of pictures – some of which even now lurk on Facebook. The chance to experience prom is one every teenager should have – so it is too bad a school district in Mississippi voted to cancel it. Why? It is because a malevolent spirit lurks within the town psyche, imprinting its horrid visage on teens, turning their dreams to nightmares and ultimately killing them in vicious and violent ways? Nope. Will a giant snake be released and the Hellmouth opened leaving an evil politician to take hold of the town? Nope. Bombs in the basement, set by a psychopath with a Jack Nicholson fetish? Nope. A girl wants to wear a tux and take another girl as her date.
Let me get this straight. A girl wants to actually cover her body from head to toe in refined evening wear. She doesn’t want you to behold her bootyliciousness, titter at her ta-tas, or show how low the back of her dress can go. And this is wrong, why? Isn’t the sexualization of our youth a problem? Wouldn’t we rather teenagers who shun the pole for a nice pinstripe? Haven’t I seen umpteen pictures of famous, beautiful, and very sexy actresses rocking designer tuxedos and suits? Her school does not have a dress code of any kind, so I’m not entirely sure why they believe they can institute one just for prom. Formal wear required covers both tuxes and dresses, and considering the strappy, slit-to-here, backless, low-cut, and see-through outfits showcased on any episode of Toddlers and Tiaras, I can only imagine what the youth of today believes is appropriate evening attire. I’d rather my daughter dress like a penguin than a prostitute.
The next item of business is her choice of date. A girl wants to take another girl. Well, girl-on-girl action at least eliminates the problem of teen pregnancy, does it not? In a state with the third highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation, that has to count for something. She wants to take a sophomore. Well, as long as the date is over 16, they are both over the legal age of consent in Mississippi. And this isn’t even about sex. Though popular media would have you believe otherwise, not all teenagers have sex on prom night. Joey and Pacey did it on a senior ski trip. Willow and Oz did it on graduation day. Chances are, they’ve probably already done it: in the backseat of a car, the great outdoors, or a bed when their parents weren’t home. I doubt they were planning on getting it on whilst on the dance floor.
So, in the face of watching two women slow dance to Halo or rock out to Single Ladies, prom was cancelled. In this era of giving every child a medal, win or lose, or making every child an honor student, pass or fail, this school decided it was once again better to equalize the field and cancel prom than let any one child dance outside the box. What is this, Footloose-ville? Well jump back, but I don’t think kids should get busted for same-sex bopping.