Breaking Down Breaking Dawn

I didn’t get to see Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part I in theaters on opening night. My viewing partner, JWM was busy, I was busy, and then life just kept getting in the way. However, when I realized that the movie was about to go out of theaters, we mobilized. Last night, for the final showing, with a grand total of seven people in the theater, we finally saw the latest installment of what my husband likes to refer to as, “that dumb vampire movie.” This is not a review. Better and brighter have already written those months ago. Nope, instead, these are some questions I am hoping some of you die-hard Twi-hards can answer for me. To wit:

How bad do you have to be in bed that after waiting 108 years to get laid, you wake up the next day and think, “You know what? I can wait to do that again until I’ve turned her into an animated corpse.” He shouldn’t have become a vampire; he should have become a monk.

When did practicing necrophilia become acceptable behavior? Let’s be clear, Bella’s honeymoon consists of having sex with a dead person. Bad sex, apparently. Then they play chess. Sign me up for that.

When did pedophilia become acceptable behavior? Jacob “imprints” on a newborn child. The movie tries to play it off as Jacob being able to see the woman she will become, but it’s cringe-worthy to think that the man who changes her diapers now is the man who is going to be first in her pants later. However way you slice it, Jacob is overly attached to a child who is not his. It just ain’t right.

Why doesn’t Edward sparkle? In the first movie, the man looked like Emma Frost when a shaft of sunlight hit his pale, pasty chest. In this movie, he could sunbathe outside in Rio with barely a pixie dust glow. Bella should have needed sunglasses to look at his reflection in all that sunlight. Instead, the palest non-dead woman in the movie didn’t even get sunburn and the actual undead guy didn’t throw enough glitter for a preschool project.

When did Bella become an X-Man? One night, she is completely covered with bruises. The rest of the honeymoon, they are completely gone. Mutant healing powers or incompetent continuity department: you be the judge.

Who thought shoehorning in a few scenes from a live-action Disney movie about wolf politics was a good idea? Yes, I know, Jacob needs to break off from the pack, but the whole – wolves talking in their heads to each other sequence – was just moronic. Add in their overgrown size, the weird electronic effect of their voices, and the abruptness of the scene change and I felt like any minute Mackenzie Astin was going to come out and slap a sled on those bad boys and set out to race across Canada.

During the birthing scene (which bears no resemblance to reality and I will only nitpick within the Twilight world) wouldn’t Edward ripping her open to bite out the baby (yes, this actually happens), count as a vampire bite and start the turning process? (Thanks to JWM for pointing this out.) In the first movie, James biting her on the HAND was unimaginable agony and she screamed like a banshee until she passed out from the pain. In this movie, Edward bites her STOMACH and UTERUS open to rip out a living child and all she does is thrash and moan a bit while remaining completely aware of her surroundings. That is some shot of morphine that gave her.

What do all the vampires do all the time? Carlyle at least goes to work occasionally. What the hell do the rest of them do except stare at Bella? What exactly was Bella’s post-life plan after becoming Edward’s wife? Forever is a mighty long time to sit around on your ass and stare at your husband.

Why invite so many witnesses to the wedding of two people who will not age? Gosh, I went to your wedding 30 years ago, you haven’t aged a bit, gee, that’s odd. Um, hello! Did the vamps keep hand warmers in their pockets so they didn’t freak everyone out with their abnormally cold grip every time they shook hands? Does no one notice their eye color? Bella’s dad is officially the Worst. Cop. Ever.

Why is Jacob dressed for the entire movie? Sure, there is a throw away scene at the beginning of the film where the fangirls get to hoot and howl at his abs (cough, cough, not me, cough, totally me, cough), but then he spends the rest of the movie wearing at least two layers of clothing. WTF movie? The poor kid can’t act his way out of a bag of puppy chow, and when you give him Kristen Stewart (who can’t close her mouth, like, ever) as an acting partner, he is just doomed to failure. So at least let me stare at his chest while he talks. He’s legal now. I don’t even have to feel guilty.

I’m sure I could go on and on, but what’s the point? The books are stupid. The movies are stupid. There is a whole generation of women who believe that Edward and Bella are the epitome of romance and if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you then I don’t know what will. However, they are also fun, goofy pleasures that I truly enjoy watching because they make me laugh. So bring on the next and final installment, when Bella finally becomes the vampire she’s always wanted to become and I’ll bring my friends, my snark, and my biggest bucket of popcorn.