Monday, November 25, 2013

She Bangs!

WARNING: Pornography and sexual acts will be discussed. Please be advised. 

WARNING: This blog is rated X.

So I watched my first sex tape the other day.

The reasoning was solid. I was reading an article about the multiple atrocities committed by Kris Jenner, among them the creation of the Kardashian clan into a multi-million dollar brand. Not a single Kardashian has a distinguishable talent. They cannot act, sing, or dance. They are celebrities in the truest sense of the word in that they have done nothing to earn their status other than simply existing. I personally doubt they can read or write, yet they oversee corporations dedicated to selling their faces and names on countless products. They mostly just show up places in really ugly and revealing outfits, get filmed going about their obviously staged lives, and are mostly known for their poor choices in male companions. However, this article talked about Kim Kardashian specifically and how her sex tape with a guy improbably named Ray J shot her into stardom.

I got curious. I’ve never seen a sex tape and one that would make someone instantly famous seemed like it must be a really good one. I mean, why else would it make her famous? I bet there is a google of porn available on Google. What made this one so special?

Having now watched it, I have absolutely no answer to that question but a million new questions to ask. This video is obviously made by two consenting adults. They knew the camera was one, often shifting it for a better (or more often, a worse) angle. She is shown putting on full makeup and doing her hair in preparation. They obviously wanted to be seen engaging in the act of sex. Yet, for some reason, she never takes off her boring beige bra (and barely takes off her boring beige panties) and he never takes off his socks! She couldn’t afford better lingerie? He couldn’t summon up enough body heat to keep his feet warm? In half the video she is still under the barely rumpled bedding and everything is done by the light of a single bedside table. It’s just weird.

They also never stop chewing gum! I suppose the smack of Hubba Bubba adds something to the soundtrack, but there are points in the video where she obviously has something else in her mouth. Where does the gum go? In one section of the video, his mouth is clearly busy, yet when he randomly stops that act, he goes right back to chewing gum. Ewwwww.

I realize that most video porn is for men. They are visual creatures and like to see things. But what I don’t get is how they can watch this and not see clearly and easily that little Kimmie is faking the absolute shit out of this video. She barely reacts to anything. For example, at one point, Ray J takes her from behind with equipment that in both size and shape resembles nothing so much as a lead pipe. She doesn’t even blink. A speculum, the most hated part of any woman’s annual visit to the doctor is, on average, half the size and width of the sexual part in question. No one enjoys a speculum because they hurt. Yet this woman never even stops chewing gum or takes an extra breath when this mammoth piece of equipment enters her. She just umms and ahhas a bit in a bored voice. So, either she has a lady part as wide as the Holland Tunnel or he missed entirely and is busy screwing a pillow or something.

After seeing the video in its entirely, I can really only come to one conclusion – both the people on it are absolutely awful in bed. There are multiple scenes in this video where he is doing things to her that for all intent and purposes should cause some sort of reaction, yet no matter what he does, she either wiggles her butt an inch or lets out a random breathy sigh. Occasionally, she encourages him using profanity in her baby girl voice that is about as opposite as sexy as it is possible to get. It sounds like she is encouraging a toddler to keep trying to crayon inside the lines. For his part, he can’t seem to figure out how to use his equipment properly. All he does it stop to change positions and try to keep his dick from falling out of her. There is no passion, no ability. It’s all hose, no fire. He just keeps plugging away, trying to get the camera to shine on his diamond earrings. When the film winds to its conclusion, there is no money shot, as it were. No orgasm for either party. If fact, he visibly wilts on camera and she just throws her hands in the air and laughs. It’s like they ran out of tape so just stopped what they were doing. I was very confused.

All in all, I guess Kim Kardashian is as good at porn as she is as everything else. All flash, no bang. 

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