I cannot stand Justin Timberlake. My reasons are far ranging
and many. Last night, I complained about him on Facebook and Etsy requested a
blog post about it. So, in no particular order, the top ten reasons I hate
Justin Timberlake:
1 – His voice. He sings at a pitch that only dogs can hear.
When his balls drop and he can sing a register below castrato, let me know and
I’ll give him a listen. Until that time, please tell him that his version of
sexy has been marked return to sender. He can’t bring back what he never had.
Also, Can’t Stop the Feeling is an ear worm of a song, but that doesn’t
make it good.
2 – Britney. She cheated on him, he cheated on her,
whatever, but it all happened 15 years ago so would he please STOP invoking her
name in interviews. He has been in the spotlight a long time – he knows that
when he mentions her, it becomes the pull quote. You are now a grown ass
man with a family – she is a respected performer with mental health issues.
Take her name outta your mouth! Don’t sing about her, don’t make videos about
her, don’t make fun of her, and don’t talk about her.
3 – His wedding photos. Yes, I clearly said “his” not
“theirs” because based on the photos they chose to release on the cover of the
most popular entertainment magazine in the country, the wedding was all about
him. Their official photo had her seated on the floor, her dress puddled up
around her, her flowers casually held in one hand – looking all the world like
a bored bridesmaid taking a breather after a long day. What is Justin doing?
Jumping like a tuxedoed monkey on a trampoline. His feet are at her eye level.
If you moved his photo more to the left, and hers more to the right, he would
be perched on her shoulders, hands outstretched, screaming “me me me.” Sit.
DOWN. Stand next to your wife, not above her.
4 – His acting career. He can’t act. No. Please don’t argue.
Go back and watch any one of movies. He telegraphs every move he is about to
make in advance. You can practically see him practicing the words in his head
before he says them. His eyes are always blank. He is overshadowed by every
other actor in his scenes. He is always Justin Timberlake. It is why he is so
good on SNL and so awful anywhere else – he works so hard at being himself that
he can’t possible figure out how to be anyone else.
5 – How he treats his wife. I actually have nothing against
Jessica Biel. She has to live with that dumb bastard, so all the power to her,
but I’ve never seen a husband step on a wife so much in interviews. The drill
is simple: when a celebrity husband and wife walk the red carpet, the attention
is supposed to be focused on whichever one has a project to promote. If the
carpet is for her, then he is supposed to be quiet and supportive and vice
versa. Not JT. He makes every carpet about him. She was nominated for her first
ever Golden Globe this year. That’s a big deal to actors. So what did he do? He
released news about new album two days before the award show. Guess what
happened? Every interview became about him and his music instead of her and her
acting. He could have released that information the day AFTER the Globes. It
still would have received plenty of media coverage. But no, he had to take her
spotlight and shine it on himself. He had to put her in his shadow because his
ego can’t stand being in hers. When she has photo calls, he jumps around in the
background making bunny ears with his fingers and all sorts of juvenile
nonsense. That poor woman.
6 – His thirst. While I obviously cannot stand his music,
others do not agree and he has been nominated for and won several major awards.
And let me tell you, he works for those nominations. He promoted that damn Trolls
movie so far in advance that by the time it came out, the target audience
of toddlers had graduated college. When The Social Network was in
theaters, it received many Best Ensemble awards. He was one of many and his
performance as Sean Parker was basically him just playing an asshole, which is
hardly out of his comfort zone. Yet he strutted through those press screenings
as if he were the male lead. He actively campaigned for award nominations. The
entire movie was about a bunch of dicks arguing over who was the biggest dick
of them all and Justin was basically holding a thumb, but that didn’t stop him
from thinking he had a chance in that particular pissing contest.
7 – He (allegedly) cheats. A man who cheats on a woman is
dead to me.
8 – Super Bowl 52. The big game was played in Minnesota,
home to the dearly departed Prince - a legendary performer who has gone on
record stating that he believed artist holograms are demonic. Rumor had it
that Justin was going to play “with” Prince via hologram until that information
leaked and Prince fans went batshit. Instead, he included a video projection of
Prince and sang along. Toe-may-toe. Toe-mah-toe. Prince had more sexy in his
elfin toes than JT has in his whole friggin’ body. Prince knew who he was. He
didn’t change his aesthetic with his albums like SOMONE who performed during
the half-time show. Man of the woods my left butt cheek! Justin Timberlake is
the target audience for glamping. He is only capable of eating artisanal meats
and cruelty-free marshmallows. The fact that his carefully distressed,
quasi-camouflage outfit was head-to-toe couture only makes his lack of irony
even more pronounced. While the crowd seemed to enjoy the performance, the
Twitterverse proved via video clips that the paid performers on the floor were
enthusiastically clapping along while the rest of the stadium remained oddly
quiet.
9 - His hair. He is a human Chia pet. No amount of
straightener is going to make me forget that he has a glorious head full of
pre-Ralphaelite curls.
10 - Nipplegate - Justin Timberlake ripped off
Janet Jackson’s bodice exposing her breast and pierced nipple for half a second
during the halftime show of the Super Bowl. It was the most DVR’d moment in
history as people rewound it over and over again in order to properly see what
was so indecent. That moment basically led to the rise of YouTube and almost
broke the Internet. But let’s be clear. HE ripped HER clothing. HE exposed HER
breast. HE made the mistake in removing both layers of her clothing when he was
only supposed to remove one. HE did it. Which performer was forced to apologize
for the incident, though? Janet Jackson. Which one was fined for indecency?
Janet Jackson. Which performer had their music blacklisted? Janet Jackson.
Which performer was banned from the Grammy Awards that year? Janet Jackson. But
which performer actually made the mistake? Justin Fucking Timberlake. Which
performer walked away completely unscathed? Justin Fucking Timberlake. Only one
performer saw their career almost come to an end and it was the victim! What
exactly did she do wrong? Hire the wrong seamstress? She didn’t rip it off
herself. That was the ONE time he should have jumped up to say “ me me me.”
That was the ONE time he was supposed to step in front of a woman and speak.
That was the ONE time he needed to act. The ONE time he needed to whet his thirst
for attention by telling every media outlet, talk show host, and magazine that
the mistake was his and his alone. But he didn’t. He said nothing. He did
nothing. Don’t tell me that he supports the Times Up initiative. His actions
toward her and the media circus that surrounded that performance showed exactly
who he was. And as Maya Angelou famously stated, “when someone shows you who
they are, believe them the first time.”
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