Thursday, December 3, 2009

Could Frame Thy Fearful Symmetry

So, as it turns out, Tiger Woods is not only an animal on the course, but in the bedroom as well. Women have been crawling out from under barstools to claim that, they too, have caught the tiger by the tail. This is scandalous why, exactly? Correct me if I’m wrong, but rich/powerful man cheating on the wife isn’t exactly shocking. It should be. It would be nice if we lived in a world where it was, but it isn’t.

Our dumb little golfer decided to hit it on a different green and got caught. He got into a fight with his wife and tried to drive while aggravated while his wife (allegedly) attacked the car with one of his very own golf clubs. The media got wind, all the inconsistencies added up, and lo and behold, we have a story. As always, everyone involved is at fault (with the possible exception of the wife), but instead of accepting blame, they are simply asking for privacy. I love it when they do that. Privacy is when you keep your club in the caddy, but when you start swinging balls at every hole on the course, you’re going to have a little company. But please, no questions.

Sure, the story does tarnish Tiger’s image, but I always heard he was something of an ass anyway, and was so tight with a dollar he squeaked. The only thing his (alleged) cheating truly affects is his own marriage and his own family. Hopefully, he used condoms, because those ugly green jackets aren’t going to offer much protection from his extracurricular wet-weather activities. Really, all we can do is sit back and watch the spin. As fast as women pop up, his lawyers are smacking them back down. It’s Whack-A Ho, the adult version. In a few weeks, his wife will appear on his arm sporting a diamond the size of a FabergĂ© egg as her very own “Hello World” moment and all will be right with their world. But before his little scandal fades into obscurity, I do hope he has learned some lessons and in case, he hasn’t, I have spelled them out for him.

Dear Tiger,
Women aren’t divots, you can’t just stomp them back down and hope no one notices that your turf is no longer pristine. Also, I am not intimately acquainted with the length of your driver (which apparently puts me in the minority), but your, ahem, long drives could miss the windmill at a mini-course and still attract the attention of all and sundry. Keep it in your golf bag. The type of woman who wants you to swing at her hole is only after the flag – she doesn’t care about par, or choice of club, she just wants the bragging rights. If you really need help handling your club, hire a caddy. And last but not least, marriage isn’t a “gimme” – your wife will notice if you stop aiming. Next time, you’ll be lucky if the only thing you lose is your balls.


P.S. – These pants are not coming off for you.


  1. I'm very impressed that you are so well versed in golf lingo :)

  2. What a waste for a writer with your ability to contribute to mere tabloid drivel.