Friday, April 1, 2011

The Freebie Five: 2011 edition

As you know, I have a Freebie Five list. Recently I have done some serious thinking about who I would or would not boink if the opportunity occurred (it’s been a long winter) and I have revamped my list. The old top five were: Matt Damon, David Boreanaz, Matthew McConaughey, Keifer Sutherland, and Boston Rob Mariano. Honorable mentions included Johnny Depp, Jon Bon Jovi, Alexander Skarsgård, Harry Connick Jr., and Mark Salling. These too, have been changed.

Matt Damon stays in his number one perch. Watch an interview with him, any interview, and you’ll notice that he very deftly answers personal questions by deflecting them entirely, giving generic answers, or repeating something he’s already said publicly. He gives nothing away. I love that. It allows me to build him up to be anything I want with none of that pesky reality to interfere. Keifer Sutherland also remains firmly on the list. As long as he has his voice, he’ll have my heart. He’s still short and still an alcoholic, but as I’ve said before, when you are lying down, height doesn’t matter and as the only way he’d ever acquiesce to bedding me would be while drunk out of his mind, I’ll really have to let the alcoholism slide.

David Boreanaz and Matthew McConaughey, however, are both off the list. First and foremost, I’m tired of spell-check arguing with me over their names. I married into a German last name with a host of extra vowels, so I know about wacky spellings, but enough already. Secondly, they have released far too much public information (see above about ignorance being bliss) and I’m so turned off by them in real life that I don’t even want them in my fantasy life. Knowing that Boreanaz banged the same woman Tiger Woods did means he has both horrible taste and a (probable) STD. Adding insult to injury, his ability to produce his own television show is non-existent as it switched from character to caricature with the actors obviously just showing up to read lines and receive their paychecks. He also gave his daughter a stupid name. Mr. Just Keep Livin, on the other hand, needs to add the “G” and grow up. A philosophy espoused in a 90’s stoner movie is not a good look for a guy in his early 40s. He is also too orange for my taste. There is a difference between a healthy outdoor glow and glowing in the dark. It’s not a fine a line as you would think. Boston Rob Mariano has also wandered off the list by sheer dint of overexposure. I’ve been done with Survivor for several seasons and when I realized that even the return of Boston Rob couldn’t get me to tune in; I realized I was done with him as well.

Jon Bon Jovi, Harry Connick Jr., and Mark Salling are no longer honorable mentions. Jon’s hair is too fried, Harry hasn’t sang in a while, and Mark, well, Mark hasn’t lit my fire recently on Glee. Maybe it’s the storylines, maybe it’s the songs, maybe it’s the acting ability (or lack thereof), but until he sings “Beth” again, he’s gone. I have also booted Johnny Depp. While he comes off as a very nice guy in interviews with a charming charitable side, I have come to the realization that he probably smells. Body odor just can’t be ignored, even in a dream.

To keep up my quota of supernatural creatures, I have kept Alexander Skarsgård and upgraded him from honorable mention to the actual list. For a short while, I toyed with the idea of adding Taylor Lautner. Once he was legal, he was fair game. Very quickly though, I put aside boyish things and found myself a real half-man, half-wolf: Joe Manganiello. That is a man who knows how to wear nothing at all. I can’t even look at poor little Jacob (Twilight) again without thinking he looks like a Scooby snack compared to Alcide (True Blood). (As as aside, does anyone else wonder why werewolves in their human form only have hair on their heads? I know back hair isn’t ever in fashion but a little chest hair never hurt anyone.)

The final spot is still up for grabs until I watch a little more television. It’s a tie between two newcomers. Both are on sci-fi series and have been around for a while, but they didn’t bing my radar until recently. You see, I was never into Dawson’s Creek. I knew it existed, could tell you the names of the four leads and even how the final episode ended, but overall, it wasn’t my cup of tea. Recently, however, I started watching Fringe. Oh my my, Joshua Jackson is all grown up now and he is fine. Forget Pacey, I want Peter. Also in the running is John Barrowman. Think of him as the Scottish equivalent of Neil Patrick Harris. I discovered him while watching the revamped Doctor Who. As Captain Jack Harkness, he’s devilish, smart, charming, and all around awesome. Sure, in real life he’s out and proud, but I really doubt his sexual orientation is going to be the problem in us consummating our torrid affair, you know? I may have to add yet another sci-fi series to the roster just to watch more of him in the spinoff Torchwood and my Netflix queue is already laden in geek television. I will also have to watch lots of clips of him talking in his natural Scottish accent on You Tube. Did I mention he can sing? Yummy.

So there you have it. Take a few minutes on this snowy April morning before the first Phillies game of the season starts (or even while it plays because seriously, baseball is boring), and think of your own top five. Dead or alive, gay or straight, impossible or merely slightly problematic – who would you do if your spouse let you?


  1. Great read! My list is heavy on vampires with a little ball/sci-fi action...
    1. Robert Pattinson - vampire Edward
    2. Stephen Moyer - vampire Bill
    3. Alexander Skarsgard - vampire Erik
    4. David Beckham - posh's man
    5. Jamie Bamber - Lee Adama from BSG

  2. 1. David Bowie - He will always be #1. I don't care how old he gets. If he dies I might get into necrophilia.

    2. Jack White - Who cares if he is in a band with his ex wife that he calls his sister. Any guy that can play a guitar like that is HOT.

    3. Jesse Eisenberg - He always plays a nerd and I like it. The only thing that could make it better is if he wore glasses.

    4. Johnny Depp - I think his stink might be worth it.

    5. Edward Norton - He's hot but also kind of has a dork thing going on... mmmmmm

    Honorable Mentions:
    Joaquin Phoenix - But let me clarify... when he was in Gladiator or Signs... not the scruffy crazy homeless man look. (I'm not sure why stinky Johnny Depp is somehow different than homeless Joaquin Phoenix but it is.)

    Tim Curry - Any guy that is comfortable dressing up in drag for an entire movie gets my attention. And an honorable mention spot.

    Mick Jagger - Watch "Shine A Light"... He has charisma. and I'm pretty sure he could do amazing thing with that mouth :)