Where exactly do jelly beans come from? A friend of mine always leaves a trail of jelly beans from her children’s door to their Easter basket. The commercials for the movie Hop seem to highlight the same idea. The Easter Bunny poops out jelly beans. Can we all say “ewwww” together? Does Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans have a poo-flavored bean? If so, I think I’ll skip all the brown ones.
I find Easter candy in general to be rather disturbing. At a recent cooking class, my daughter made me a beautiful Peep bouquet. While there, my husband let her eat one of the sugary confections. She pretended to like it, but while there are lots of children who want to mainline sugar, my kid isn’t one of them. The bouquet has been sitting on my counter for two weeks with nary a sign of decay. Even the seasonal ants that are the bane of my existence every spring want absolutely nothing to do with them. Peeps definitely don’t count as a healthy carb. They are barely even candy. They simply exist to be destroyed via microwave. Coating them in chocolate just makes them worse. I nibbled the ear off one of them and almost went a sugar coma. They are completely and utterly disgusting. So tell me, who is actually eating these things?
Also in the “I wonder” category, why do we feel the need to immortalize the Easter Bunny (and to the same extent, Santa) in chocolate? Isn’t eating the jolly fat man a form of cannibalism? Can vegetarians eat a bunny so long as it is made out of chocolate? There is something very wicked about being encouraged to bite the ears off the bunny. Where’s PETA when you need them? Wouldn’t it make more sense to sell a chocolate Jesus for Easter? At the very least, it would be a tastier way to take Communion. It certainly couldn’t be counted as sacrilegious since Catholics around the world take the body of Christ every Sunday. Why not make it scrumptiously delicious? You could make the Virgin Mary out of white chocolate. If you really wanted to get historical, you could make the entire holy family out of dark chocolate since I’m pretty sure there weren’t a lot of pale, blue-eyed blondes hanging out in ancient Palestine. When you combine it all in one basket, you get fecal waste, early on-set diabetes, and animal cruelty. Yum!
For many of us, you also get a week with your children to go along with that bulging basket filled with sugar, fat, high-fructose corn syrup, and empty carbs. Being a fat girl in love with chocolate (though I haven’t eaten any for 67 days and counting), I am not a food Nazi in any way, but the last thing I want to do is be trapped with my children for 10 days during the rainiest April ever with a buttload of candy. So once again, my children aren’t getting any. Call me cruel, call me mean, but I’d rather pay three times more for an actual toy they will use than crap I will probably wind up throwing out. They made out like bandits already at the town-wide Easter egg hunt where due to precarious weather, only a handful of kids showed up, allowing my kids to take home four dozen eggs – EACH. Each egg had at least two pieces of candy, some had four. Throw in egg hunts at each school and their baskets are already well-stocked with Nestlé balls, mini-Hershey bars, and lollipops. The giant imaginary rabbit who mysteriously enters the house will be leaving behind a Barbie Wedding Set (I’m prepping her for the Royal Wedding next week) and a Imaginext Dragon Boat.
So happy Easter to all of you Christians, happy belated-Passover to all of my Jewish friends, and happy fertility to all the rest of you. What, you think there was always supposed to be candy in those eggs?