Top Ten Reasons to Avoid Disney Movies
1. Death. Seriously, what does the Mouse House have against parents anyway? Nemo’s mother, Simba’s father, and Tarzan’s parents all get killed on screen. Even Andy has a single mom. It is best not to even mention what happens to Bambi’s mother. Venison, anyone?
2. Violence. Bad guys in the Disney world are really bad. They try to overthrow royalty, topple governments, kill family members, are environmentally unfriendly, and are never, ever kind to animals. When our intrepid “hero/ine” commits murder at the end of the story to “save” the girl/boy, the world, etc., we are supposed to cheer. Um, yay? Gaston didn’t slip, he was dropped.
3. Sex. If you take your average princess and dress your child in her normal clothes, you would get arrested for child porn. You couldn’t see a belly button on I Dream of Jeanie yet you can practically see Jasmine’s areola.
4. Romance/Love. According to Disney, the road to a strong relationship is built on a foundation of deceit and poor communication. Belle shows all the symptoms of Stockholm syndrome. Some of them never even have a conversation with their “true love.” Ariel is an actual fishwife! Methinks Eric is going to rue not finding that out beforehand.
5. Imagination. I want my daughter to think “outside the castle.” A fairy godmother doesn’t have to say “bippity boppity boo.” Sometimes they say things like, “I want you to believe in yourself, imagine good things, and moisturize.” (To Wong Foo).
6. Friendship. Oh sure, they all have some animal that has been anthropomorphized within an inch of its existence, but where are their actual girlfriends? They are all princesses, right? There should be a full court of people begging to be around them at all times. Instead, they all have some poor sad little fish or chipmunk to guide them.
7. Age. Most of the characters are children or teenagers. Excluding Gisele, I don’t think any of them are old enough to vote, let alone drink. So why are they so focused on getting married? It’s the Wonderful World of Disney, not the backwoods of Appalachia. Go to college, backpack through Europe, get a job. Trust me, you can have sex without marriage, give it a whirl.
8. Money. I want to find the guy who created the “Princesses” line and do horrible things to him. Then I want to show him to the guy who created the “Fairies” as an example. Tinkerbell is her name, damn it! She’s not a Tinker named Bell. If I wanted, I could have gotten married in an all-Disney wedding in Disney, decorate my house entirely in Disney colors, furniture, art, and textiles, and dress in only Disney clothing. That’s not a culture, that’s a cult.
9. Music. Yes, the tunes are catchy. I actually have That’s How You Know as my ringtone. My friends sang Under the Sea in lieu of Happy Birthday at my 16th birthday party. I created a Disney genre on iTunes and play it when I work. But real people do not burst into song in the middle of conversation. Animals do not sing. The world is not a Greek chorus ready to spring into harmony. The earlier you learn that, the better.
10. Life. Is the concept of “happily ever after” as warped anywhere as in the Disney canon? Uncle Walt will marry you faster than Elvis, but then what? You don’t think Cinderella or Aurora needed a little therapy? Aladdin has a pretty steep learning curve on running his kingdom and Belle has to deal with post-traumatic stress disorder for hers. It seems like little Nemo has a new stepmother to deal with and Woody has some 'splainin to do to Little Bo Peep. Life is hard, and while you may be able to whistle while you work, you certainly can’t expect the pigeons and rats to help.