Friday, October 30, 2009

Walking Happy Meals

Now, as we have all learned from Buffy, Halloween is traditionally a quiet night for vampires and the supernatural community. It is far too commercial and crass for them. However, zombies are not aware of such regulations. In the spirit of keeping everyone safe, I have hereby completely plagiarized some basic knowledge to help keep you and yours alive during any All Hallows Eve based zombie attack.

1. First things first, choose the right weapon. It must become an extension of your body. The crossbow is recommended as the perfect silent killer, but nothing, I repeat, nothing, is more important than your primary firearm, preferably a semi-automatic rifle. Keep it clean. Keep it loaded. Keep it close.

2. Dress appropriately. Nothing has saved more lives than basic, tight clothing and closely cropped hair. Do not give the zombies anything to grab. Most forms of armor are completely ineffective or completely impractical. Kevlar covers can reduce the risk of zombie bites in close quarter situations, but should not be worn at all times.

3. Prepare your home. If you have not taken such basic steps as to build a ten-foot cinder block wall around your home, don’t worry, there is still hope. Simply climb up into the attic and demolish all staircases, creating an instant haven from the undead. Make sure you are well stocked with a variety of weapons and equipment, not to mention adequate food, water, and medicine.

4. On the move. If you do find yourself without a safe haven, then do everything possible to become invisible. Avoid detection at all costs. Circumvent urban areas and keep a destination in mind. Travel light. You will carry your hospital, armory, and storeroom on your back. If possible, acquire a motorcycle. It is by far the best choice for fleeing a zombie horde.

5. On the attack. Undead warfare should never be a solo mission. You need a disciplined, well-trained group, a well-defended home base, good communication, and an iron-clad plan of attack, defense, and escape. Know your terrain and remember, never, ever go off alone – this will only serve to get you killed and create one more zombie that must be annihilated.

Be safe. Be wary. Be prepared. An attack can occur at any time.

Note: My brothers-in-law are absolutely obsessed with zombies and surviving the zombie war. One has obtained zombie targets to help him hone his shooting skills and has fortifications in place to help him survive living in a zombie-infested world. The other frequently updates and practices his zombie readiness plan. All information included herein was actually underlined for me in The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks, which was given to me as a Christmas gift by, you guessed it, one of my brothers-in-law. Luckily, they both enjoy a healthy sense of humor and realize that zombies are indeed, fiction, not fact. Happy Halloween.

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