Friday, November 13, 2009

The List

It’s been a long, slow week. My husband has worked ridiculous hours (even for him), the kids are still recovering from their return to reality, and I have once again hit a wall in terms of dieting and exercising. What is a woman to do? My tub isn’t big enough for Calgon to take me away, but my imagination, it is boundless.

Let me explain, on season three of Friends, Ross and Rachel create the “Freebie List,” otherwise known as the one where they got to pick five different celebrities they could sleep with without it being considered cheating. My list is my screensaver. I take it very seriously. Realistically, I do understand that a hot, rich, celebrity will have no interest whatsoever in a medium-sized housewife from South Jersey, no matter how well she is stacked. However, I can dream, right? I have friends who keep their lists on their fridge, other friends who couldn’t come up with five celebrity names at gunpoint, and friends who have Robert Pattinson on their lists (and that man is in serious need of a bath). So, in descending order, here are my Top Five.

  1. Matt Damon. He’s been number one for years. Years. I don’t think he’s moved from his perch since Good Will Hunting. The more I read about him, the more I love him. And if you haven’t seen Sarah Silverman’s “I’m F’ing Matt Damon” video, then hie thee ho over to YouTube. If you cannot fall madly in lust with the man after watching it, then, well, I’m not sure we can be friends. Seriously.

  2. David Boreanaz. As the locals know, he is the son of weatherman Dave Roberts. As Joss fans know, he was Angel. And boy, what a yummy angel he was. Sure, he couldn’t act worth a damn in the early seasons, but he got better, especially when he was Angelus. On one of the first episodes of Bones, he walked into the room without a shirt and smiling and I kid you not, I must have rewound it a dozen times. Shirtless and smiling? Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause.

  3. Matthew McConaughey. Now, I realize that the man is a moron. I think he has been so stoned for so long that there isn’t much gray matter left. However, I have no interest in his mind, just his body. And if he does have to talk, at least he can do so in that soft southern accent. He’s best in his earlier roles in A Time to Kill or Contact (specifically the scenes in which he is wearing a sweater), but is still very easy on the eyes.

  4. Kiefer Sutherland. That voice. The gravel coated in velvet voice that issues forth from my television every other commercial. The voice alone puts him on my list. And while I realize that he’d have to stand on a box to reach eye level, I don’t plan on doing much standing with him, so in this case, size really doesn’t matter. He does have his issues. In I Trust You to Kill Me he did indeed attack a helpless Christmas tree while drunk out of his mind, but it really does just add to his charm.

  5. Boston Rob Mariano. I didn’t think twice about him during Survivor: Marquesas, but he did grab my attention during Survivor: All Stars. How do you not love a guy who is so charming, that even though everyone knew he lied, they all believed he wouldn’t lie to them! It was awesome. He treated “Am-buh” like gold, screwed Lex, and while he didn’t win the game, he did win the girl. I loved him on The Amazing Race, Amazing Race: All Stars, and Rob and Amber Get Married, which I will even publicly admit that I DVRd. I should also note that this is the one man on the list that my husband wants to veto.

In the interest of full disclosure, there are five other honorable mentions. They are only on the list because of a specific role or a specific moment, not just on general principle like the above five.

  • Johnny Depp. I have a photo of him taken by the paparazzi back when he was filming Pirates. He is standing on a yacht, shirtless; holding a glass of wine, with his face turned toward the sun, and just seems to be soaking up the moment. It’s decadent and divine.
  • Jon Bon Jovi. He did an episode of Crossroads with Sugarland and while they are performing, he watches Jennifer Nettles in a way that is not at all professional. In fact, he looks like he is about to lick her like a cream sickle. It almost made me wish I could sing.
  • Alexander Skarsgård. In his role as Eric, he is given the absolute worst clothing to wear. Flip flops and a green t-shirt? Track pants and a razor-back tee? On Eric, they are mouthwatering. And when he has nothing to wear, well, that’s another post entirely.
  • Harry Connick Jr. When he sings, he’s sexy. When he acts, not so much.
  • Mark Salling. My new boyfriend. He sings, he has a Mohawk, and while he plays a teenager on television, I am happy to report that in this case, 17 will not get you 20.

Who is on your list? Come on, I know you have one.


  1. Here's my list...

    1. David Boreanaz. Agent Booth, season premiere, tight shirt/scruff. Day-um....
    2. Jeffrey Donovan. Burn Notice, smart, sarcastic, tight pants. Yum.
    3. Robert Pattinson. You may think he is dirty and smells, but I seriously doubt it. Stephenie Meyer said on Oprah that he smells good. No one lies to Oprah, well, maybe just Sarah Palin. If he could just sing to me a little, I'd be dropping my pants so fast your head would spin.
    4. Rachel Maddow. Yes,a woman. A lesbian, so it's cool. She's smoking hot, she's a Rhode's scholar. She's a hard core liberal. Love her on lots of levels.
    5. Hm....can I pick Agent Booth again??? :)

  2. I swear I posted a comment on this topic here the other day. And I had a woman on my list too! Megan Fox--who is not a Rhode's scholar but that's ok. I also had several men on the list and am not sure if I can remember who I liked the other day. Pretty sure these were some:

    Matthew Fox
    David Beckham
    Chris Cornell
    Mark Wahlberg

    But today, for example, my 8 year old left her BOP magazine open for me to see and I found a page entitled "Hot Guys in Plaid Shirts". Now, granted, the age of all six of them combined is practically my own, but I could see Robert Pattison on the list and Zac Efron. Actually, I would MUCH prefer the real Edward. He beats everyone on the list.

    This is fun. You're making me re-evaluate my list on a daily basis. Thanks!