So, I was catching up on my stash of Time magazines during the interminable baseball game last night and came upon an article that caught my attention. It was demented and sad and shows just how far people can take a good idea and warp it past all recognition. The sex toy industry is now going green.
Yup, you read that right, the recycling movement has moved into the bedroom. Now, I am a proponent of doing anything you want in the bedroom, provided it is between two consenting adults. However, if both adults are stupid, then they shouldn’t be having sex and possibly diluting the gene pool with their offspring. If you want to save energy, light a damn candle. Don’t dim the lights hoping to diminish your electric bill. In fact, if you are worried about your electric bill during sex, then maybe you should just read a good book instead.
They article listed several items that would add to your sexual and environmental enjoyment. For example, you can purchase a cruelty-free whip. This is either the best example of an oxymoron or the best example of irony I have ever found in a magazine, I really can’t decide. Another item mentioned is the hand-crank vibrator. I am as DIY as the next person, but in such a case, surely it would be easier to just take matters into your own hands, as it were. The logistics of such a device are baffling. In fact, I can imagine few things less erotic than the image that calls to mind. It probably sounds like a cross between a pencil sharpener and a can opener, which just can’t be conducive to reaching your happy place (unless you are grooving to a mental image of Julia Child in a schoolmarm outfit).
Some things should not be reusable. Condoms are definitely high on that list. Luckily, while organic condoms are not meant to be recycled, they are vegan-friendly. These condoms “replace the dairy protein in latex condoms with cocoa powder.” According to the author, they don’t taste like chocolate, which just seems like a crying shame and the waste of a potential marketing goldmine.
You can also go green in your choice of birth control. The Catholic Church is now telling its believers that Natural Family Planning is organic because you aren’t adding chemicals to your body. The fact that by following this method, you could actually grow people in your body is beside the point. In fact, even the article states that the best way to save the planet is to have fewer children – but isn’t it more fun to say you are acting on behalf of the planet than to actually do so?
So, the next time you prepare to make love, consider if you are making the planet a better place first. And if the answer is no, direct your attention to Pyrex toys, which can be microwaved for added pleasure. Throw some popcorn in and you’ll even have post-coital snacks ready for half the energy usage. Now that’s putting the “O” into organic.